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One year ago today, I awoke from surgery with tears in my eyes. I had just had a D&C. I was 10 weeks pregnant when I found out my baby's heart stopped at eight weeks. It's what's called a missed miscarriage. This is my miscarriage story...

On April 10, 2019 my husband and I left our daughter with my family, who had stopped by for a visit, to go to our 10 week appointment. We were eager to get there and see our little gummy bear on the ultrasound. Just before the ultrasound we did paperwork for genetic testing. I got even more excited because that meant that within a week or two we would know if our baby was nice and healthy and we would know the gender! We finished the paperwork and we were all smiles. Finally, the ultrasound, exactly what we had been looking forward to. The doctor was making friendly conversation with us and suddenly her tone changed. "I'm sorry but I can't find a heartbeat." I'll never forget those words and that moment. Everything came to a grinding halt and I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to believe it. With tears in my eyes I asked, "are you sure? I still feel all the symptoms. I'm still nauseated and tired and everything!" The doctor politely informed me that feeling the symptoms is not a sign that everything is still progressing with the pregnancy. She could see our devastation and asked if we would like another opinion to confirm her findings so we agreed to have another ultrasound. We went downstairs to the ultrasound technician. Just like before, there was no little flicker on the screen and no heartbeat. She asked us to wait while the doctor was reviewing the ultrasound so my husband and I held each other in silence. Again, the doctor found no heartbeat and told us that the baby's heart stopped at 8 weeks. For two weeks, I was a walking tomb and had no idea. I remember a feeling of extreme rage come over me. For two weeks, I felt all those unpleasant pregnancy symptoms and even though I felt miserable, I thought it's ok baby you just keep growing. My first pregnancy was not at all enjoyable, I was sick and miserable the entire nine months but this one was even worse. It was short, but extremely crappy as far as symptoms go. I asked the doctor, "so now what?" She went on the explain that I could take medication that would help me expell the baby and pregnancy contents on my own at home or I could opt for a D&C. I opted for the D&C because I just wanted it out. There was no availability for almost a week and I lost it. I broke down and started crying so hard. I couldn't live with death inside of me for another day, let alone a week. The medical scheduler felt so bad that she started making phone calls and was able to get me squeezed in to the schedule for the next day. I was so grateful for her efforts. I just couldn't live with it inside of me after finding out. I don't know why, but that was my reaction. As we drove home, I realized that I would have to tell my family the news. We walked in and they were so excited asking how it went and if we got an ultrasound. My voice cracked and shook as I told them through more tears and they were all shocked. I had dreaded walking in there and telling them the news but it actually helped to talk about it.

The next day, we woke up and drove to the hospital. We checked in, I was taken to disrobe and be prepped for surgery. I tried to remain as calm as possible but still shed some tears. The nurse was so sweet and comforted me. As they wheeled me away, I slipped out of consciousness. I woke up with a stream of tears running down my face as if I had been crying in my sleep. I tried to focus and come out of the fogginess of the anesthesia while listening to another nurse give me instructions. She gave me discharge papers, some resources for miscarriage and pregnancy loss support and took me to my husband. He gave me a loving hug and I could tell he had been crying too. We went through some tough days and decided to go to a support group for pregnancy and neonatal loss. We heard so many stories from other parents that had gone through miscarriage and stillbirths. It was all very helpful and other people's stories helped put things in perspective. Aside from that, I tried to keep busy. Within a couple of weeks, I called my clients and told them I was ready to get back to training. I kept busy with work and my daughter and eventually things got better. We were even able to talk about trying to conceive again. We waited about five months before we tried again and it wasn't long before I got my positive pregnancy test. I am now 30 weeks pregnant with our rainbow baby and everything seems to be going well. We are so eager to meet her and so grateful for this chance to be parents again.

Miscarriage is a horrible thing to experience and I wouldn't wish it on anyone but it's just a bump in the road that my husband and I had to go through and the experience has made us both so much more grateful for what we have. If you or someone you know has gone through miscarriage, my advice is to seek help and talk about your experience. It's a devastating experience but one that you can overcome and come out of with resilience.

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